Child Abusers tend to fall into two general types – sociopaths or the seriously mentally ill, and  the emotionally disturbed. The later often reach their greatest point of danger when Alcohol or other drugs are involved.

 

            There is no help for the seriously mentally ill, genetically or environmentally they are wired for abuse. They are incapable of seeing their actions as anything other then positive. Yates drowned her children believing she was saving them from demon possession.

 

            In November of 2001, I entered the study after hearing screaming to find Patricia beating Glen, twelve years old. Patricia did not stop when I entered the room. Patricia did not stop when I yelled at her to stop. Patricia only stopped when I grabbed her and separated her from Glen.

 

            I confronted the nightmare I lived in fear of for at least a decade – Patricia assaulting a child.

 

            And it got worse, with me physically between the two of them, Patricia began to yell at me to tell Glen she was justified. I told her to calm down and we would talk about when Glen left the room. She refused and continued to yell at me to tell him she was justified.

 

            "You are never justified in hitting a child", I replied.

 

            You could physically observe Patricia's anger shift to me. Glen, knowing his mother, took the cue and darted out of the room.

 

            At that moment, I changed and Patricia knew it. At that moment, my days of empowering Patricia ended. She crossed the line.

 

            The children tell me that the abuse started months before and they simply did not trust me enough to act. The children saw me as Patricia's first victim and did not see their inclusion in her abuse as call for change in my behavior.

 

            They were wrong. The moment I discovered the abuse, I acted. I told Patricia she would have to seek counseling or we would leave. No more free counseling from the church. I wanted receipts showing regular sessions.

 

            I told her this was not marriage counseling. The problems with our relationship were secondary to her individual problems. Once those were addressed, we could work on the relationship. I would be there for her as long as she was making progress and as long as I felt the children safe.

 

            I look back and shake my head with amazement, how naïve I proved. Patricia went to counseling and immediately began building this fantasy of herself as an abused spouse.  Did she tell her counselor about my ultimatum?  I doubt it. No, she created this world in which I abused her. She created this world in which Glen abused his siblings and tortured animals. Eventually even Jessica joined the group as a pathological liar who could not tell the truth about her mother.

 

            Years later, during a domestic violence hearing on charges filed against Patricia by her second set of in-laws, Patricia claimed her own acts of violence arose out of my years of abuse   (Listen to the hearing at http://www.fatheriam.com/BS%20v%20PL%20DV%20Hearing.htm). During her sentencing, she told the judge that my years of abuse made it impossible for her to believe it was possible to kill me. (Read the transcript at http://www.fatheriam.com/Court%202005.htm).

 

 

            Most experts believe the seriously mentally ill or sociopathic abuser is about unreachable, after twenty years of dealing with one, I agree.

 

            The emotionally disturbed abuser may present a different challenge.  I believe many of these cases arise out of anger management and control issues, the classical approach to Domestic Violence espoused by the Duluth Model (See link at http://www.fatheriam.com/Links.htm ).

 

            There are several dangers here.  First and foremost is the difficulty in telling the sociopath from the control freak. Second, just because it is possible for the emotionally disturbed to be treated does not mean they can cure themselves, or cure themselves with your help. Third, if you can not beat a child, you can not understand a child beater – PERIOD.

 

            The last point applies to both types and is the one obstacle I encounter day after day. People, including myself for years, keep expecting Patricia to behave in a rational manner, but if she was rational she would not be mentally ill.

 

            The same lack of understanding applies to the emotional disturbed child abuser. Beating a child is not a rational act, perhaps one day they will understand this. Until they do understand, you can not bridge the gulf between you. This is why they can not help themselves; this is why you can not help them alone.

 

            The only hope is for their commitment to counseling and for several months. Simply put, the world is littered with the bodies of children and spouse who believed the abuser's promise to stop the abuse.

Currently listening : My Own Prison By Creed Release date: By 26 August, 1997