Over the last several weeks, I began involvement with others dealing with domestic violence, family court, and other issues associated with the Machine. During this period I spent a great deal of time talking with an old friend going through many of these issues, she helped keep the female perspective in mind.

As I interact with these individuals, I understand the horror of domestic violence. Every day families experience violence of such a magnitude resulting in trauma, both mental and physical, and too often, death.

Largely, these stories are ignored, only a few, such as ours, receives any attention.

Our story receives attention for several reasons. To begin with I survived. One out of eight murders in this country are at the hands of a spouse or significant other, current or ex. These victims can not speak for themselves. I am, today, a survivor of Patricia’s attempt and grateful for the opportunity to speak for those who did not.

Domestic Violence is a brush used as often by the guilty as the innocent. This is a horrible truth which complicates the issue almost past the point of redemption.  Time and time again, Patricia accused me of Domestic Violence, alleging her own acts of violence arose in response to previous violent acts of my own.  Even with her own violent history established beyond reasonable doubt and no proof of any violent act on my part, I am soiled with the accusation.

Every false claim of Domestic Violence detracts from the actual victims

Domestic Violence is largely a private act with few or no witnesses. With few exceptions, the violence occurs behind closed doors witnessed only by the family. Largely it is the victim’s word against the abusers. Often the child witness is discounted because of the familial relationship. This presents legal challenges for our society as we attempt to protect victims and maintain the belief in innocent until proven guilty.

People often use the excuse of provability to avoid what their heart tells them. Innocent until proven guilty does not apply to anyone hurting one of my children and it is silly to pretend otherwise – I would investigate and reach my own truth about the matter. Look at the father who attacked the guy who broke into his daughter and granddaughter’s home yesterday. Dad tried to lay into the guy right there in the courtroom. I would like to buy that gentleman a drink.

But this is a father speaking, a father with extensive knowledge of Family Violence, do not expect friends or even family members to respond in this manner. Often they will avoid the truth and seek a joint resolution, pleading for second, third, and fourth chances until the hearse arrives.

Last, there is an evolving problem with the victims of Domestic Violence which abusers use to attack the credibility of the victims. I will dance around this a couple of different ways.

Our custody evaluator could not confirm the presence of domestic violence in our family. What he meant by that was he could not confirm Patricia’s accusations, apparently Patricia admitting to attacking me while I was driving down a California highway was not a incident of Domestic Violence.

Our custody evaluator did note how much Patricia enjoyed the role of a victim of domestic violence to the point he broached concerns about its impact on her mental health and the stability of the family.

For years, Patricia went from women’s group to women’s group and therapist to therapist presenting herself as a victim of domestic violence. As noted by the custody evaluator, this became close to a full time job on Patricia’s part. She even got accepted to a study group on post traumatic stress syndrome as she tried to ‘recover’ from my alleged years of abuse.

As an aside, I will point the reader to Patricia’s interrogation on the night of her arrest. For approximately forty-five minutes the deputy tried to get Patricia to support her allegations as a victim – judge for yourself.

My point is not Patricia’s delusions and mental illness. My point is she always found a friendly audience. She always found someone to initially accept her stories at face value and to support her.

Thank God! That is how it should be. I hope every true victim of Domestic Violence finds support. Domestic Violence brutalizes the soul and the support provides a welcome and necessary contrast to the abuse.

What some people are finding difficulty with is the fine line between supporting victims and helping them move beyond the realization stage.

The realization stage is a powerful initial point of recovery where the victim realizes that they are a victim, and hopefully realizes they are not alone – others went through this and others stand to help.

Often, during this stage, the victim wears the details of the abuse as a banner proclaiming her or his status. The victim rejects their shame and proclaims the refusal to continue as a victim.

Eventually, the victim must heal and move beyond this realization stage. The time is different for each victim and each case. I am talking with a friend right now very much still in throes of the realization and this is a year after her divorce and the last act of physical violence. She needs time and continued support. How long, I do not know, but I am there.

The realization stage makes outsiders uncomfortable. The casual observer can conclude the victim is ‘wallowing’ in the attention finally afforded as a victim.

And wallowing can occur; the victim must move on and be freed from the victim status.

Domestic Violence is an emotional issue and our society needs to continue to mature and embrace the handling of this issue and the support of the victims.

Friends express concerns about my continued public discussion about the Family Violence surrounding our story and I hope they continue to raise the issue. It will keep me honest.

First, today, despite all that occurred I still have problems seeing myself as a victim. Conversely, I have no problem seeing Patricia as an abuser.

It is my intent to testify on these issues and not wallow. I want to place as many dents in the Machine as I can, I want change. I want the Family Court system better if my children ever face it again.