I Stand in Two Worlds

 The Albuquerque Tribune column about our story appeared on the web a few minutes ago. It is a balanced story focusing on the facts of the case balanced against Patricia’s claims of suffering under my long term abuse.

 Sigh…… I will go to my grave with everyone but my children wondering about the truth. I am resigned to this Mark of Cain Patricia branded on my forehead. The alternative is the return to a world where men own women and can beat them at their leisure. This is not how my parents and grandparents raised me and it is not how I will raise my children, including daughter Jessica.

 I will bear the question marks, live under the suspicion, as Patricia takes advantage of the necessary protection we are slowly building within our society for families.

 There is a critical but subtle aspect to our story missing from the article, and I noted its absence before.

 Ms. Gutierrez-Kruger presents a story of a man and a woman, Stephen and Patricia and the horrible conflict between us.

 It is not a story of a man and a woman; it is the story of a family. My children literally grew up around this story and are an essential part of it. Glen was thirteen when I walked in on Patricia beating the crap out of him. Jessica was nine when events forced her to turn her mother into State Protective Services (she acted to protect me, not herself). Montie was five when Patricia filed, six when she blackmailed him into testifying against me.

 Patricia involved the children in almost every aspect of this mess, to include my murder which was to occur in the family home with the children present. At best, eight year old Montie would discover my body. At worse, the hit men would kill the children also to prevent witnesses.

 You simply can not tell Patricia’s and mine’s story without making the children part of it. 

 I noticed this in Dr. Ludwig’s book Till Death Do Us Part. She profiles dozens of spousal murders and victims, many of them married for over a decade and with children. Yet, Dr. Ludwig looks at the spousal relationship and not the family relationship. I simply do not see how you can remove the family from the picture.

 Any one working with domestic violence will tell you the strongest motivation in the victim is the protection of her children. This drives all of her or his decisions.

 When a man puts family first, he is accused of being controlling. When a woman places family first, she is accused of appeasement. We need to rise above the rhetoric.

 I care about what is going on with Patricia because she is the mother of Glen, Jessica, and Montie. As their father, I carry a responsibility for their lives, for their family.

 The ideal outcome is a restoration of their mother’s mental health. I realize this is practically impossible. A realistic outcome is providing the care Patricia needs.

 Again and again the Department of Corrections emphasized how alone Patricia is, how utterly without resources. The Department informed me of a possible release point for her after this magical treatment program is the Salvation Army as a homeless person. Her family in North Carolina rejects her and we can not safely trust her.

 Thus, my children are faced with a homeless mentally ill mother roaming the streets of Albuquerque.

 Is it any wonder their father is fighting against this, torn between what he can do and what he should do?