The world would be a different world if people knew how to answer this question. When do you leave an abusive partner? When does a child turn their back on an abusive parent? When is enough enough?

            Hundreds of thousands pay for their failure to answer this question with hospitalization, psychological damage, or even their lives. Relationships are the leading source of murder in this country.

            Outsiders always perceive the issue in simple terms. I remember the supervisor at the State Protective Services escorting me out of the building after a hearing where Patricia asked for the children back and asking “How did you stay married to her for fifteen years”.

            My answer was witty and smart “When you are holding the tiger by the tail, you do not let go”. The reality was that I was pretty stupid.

            Why did I not leave thee? Let me count the ways…..

            The Children – The myth is the children are better off with two parents then one. The last six years proved me wrong, but my case could be a little unique. Are the children better off if you leave? I told my mother that as long as Patricia was hitting me and not the children, I thought the situation was for the best. After Patricia left, the children informed me that Patricia was also physically abusing them and they did not trust me to not make it worse if I was told.

            Obligation – It is easy to look at the events of the last several years and see the extent of Patricia’s mental illness. But if you look back before our separation, the evidence of Patricia’s mental illness is not as plain. My support, the support of the children, the support of my family, and the support of the church helped Patricia control many aspects of her mental illness. She taught for several years, including a year at La Cueva, she volunteered at the children’s school and at church, she tutored the children,

            I do not wish to imply our life was easy. There were the suicide gestures every couple of years, the rages expressed physically against me and later the children, the inability to get along in the community. Yet, nothing like the madness and chaos that followed our separation.

            And I knew the odds of Patricia surviving without our support were long. Very little of the subsequent events surprised me. If I left Patricia, I knew I would remove the very tools she needed to survive in the world. Maybe she could replace them, but the years proved this thought accurate.

            Finally, I knew I made mistakes. I knew I must assume some responsibility for the state of Patricia’s mental health. Since she left, I never had to deal with this core sense of obligation.

            My sense of obligation may appear abstract to outsiders but many people deal with a sense of obligation vivid and real to anyone. There are those faced with a spouse injured or handicapped in physical ways. These spouses can be as abuse as any other spouse even if they are launching their venom from a wheelchair. It takes an extreme act of courage to turn your back on this abuse and walk away.

            Fear – Fear is a strong motivator for staying with an abuser. You are not there to protect your children when they are visiting your partner. When the deputies showed up and told me Patricia hired a hit man, I was not surprised. I also experienced fear and loathing of the false charges she made against me and her initial success with them.

            There is also the fear of the financial consequences of separation and these are extensive. I do not believe anyone is financially better off due to a divorce, the lawyers see to this. It is interesting to hear George Lucas attribute the delay in the second Star Wars trilogy to his divorce. This fear feeds back into your decision about what is best for the children.

            Fear leads to the despairing thought that there really is no way out, that life will be as bad or worse if you leave your spouse. The children are hurt, you may die, and the economic consequences are serious.

            On almost every measurable level my life was worse after our separation. I entered into the challenges of single parenthood, I worried about the safety of my children, finances became almost impossible, yet; my mother and office manager noted that I appeared to be the happiest they could remember. Go Figure

            Commitment – I simply did not believe in divorce and I did not believe in breaking my vows. The industry that is the Beast Machine ignores this but it is important to millions of people.

            All of this adds up to the confusion I felt and other feel. There are no right answers to include the failure to act, the failure to leave.